I have quietly set sail, my own story on the page. There is such release and pain in hitting the keys and creating a record, making it so. The vulnernability and reality collide. In part, I wanted to hide again. Stay safe behind the therapists cloak. To be palatable, to be thoughtful of the context of my story, in history, society and the readers awareness. It just reminded me how responsible I had always felt for getting it right, because the perceived consequence of getting judged was painful. The writing softly sits on my page, its not perfect, its not grammaticatally accurate but it does feel more true to me and not just in the act of service for others. So softly it emerges, and creates it's ripples effects.
Hi Miranda, this was a lovely, lilting, and profoundly moving comment to wake up to this morning. I’m thinking that perhaps we can form a memoir group at some point for clinicians. Just a thought. I can’t take that on right now but would love to help form something down the road. Looking forward to our collab!
Be who you are and share who you are however you want. Perhaps some will criticize but they don’t understand or they are reading it to find fault. You are not responsible for responses or comments. AND you have every right to curate the disrespectful. This l is your life and healing and YOUR words and emotions. As you are courageous in beginning to write do not allow that “old shame” or “responsibility for others’ abuses” (scapegoat) voice to enter. Thank you for your writing Miranda. I am lifted up here with Rebecca’s posts and your comment.
Thank you, I am learning to do this. I think there is a community that is building here, where it is safe to do so. Thanks for your kindness. I am glad I found a space here, to be, and not to perform.
I don't mean to keep praising you, as I frequently do :) but I have to because ... I think you're a genius! I mean that. You and your work are very rare and I'm graced to be able to interact and use your experiences to light my own way forward. Truly a gift. Thank you. And I love every wrinkle of what you are sharing.
I'm deeply moved that my reflections and FSA writings resonate so profoundly with you. Thank you for letting me know; it makes a difference, knowing my offerings are being so warmly received.
Rebecca, boy oh boy can you flip a phrase, what talent you have for writing. While I can barely explain to people what FSA actually is you tell it so eloquently and precisely. What a gift. Again reading your words always brings me peace and validation. Again, thank you for being here with us.
Rebecca, this was a beautiful post and I am going to sit with it and read it a few more times. I had this thought earlier this week about us children who were abused and invalidated. I wondered if we are granted these glimpses of the unfathomable depths of being as a grace to help us carry on, knowing there is more for us than just the pain.
I’m sitting here, quietly weeping after reading this Rebecca. I am 61 & still walking through the jungle of memories & pain from my dysfunctional, emotionally abusive childhood. As the family scapegoat, I have been further abused by family members, especially my immediate family who suffered through life with me. They all have their roles & their own pain that I know still haunts them, whether they acknowledge this or not. I am working with a trauma informed therapist this time & she has been so validating and supportive as I walk through the memories, trauma & pain that have carried into the present. I have recently gone no contact with my mother. Several years ago I went to contact with my father for almost a year. He finally acknowledged & accepted responsibility for his actions & role as a dysfunctional father. I stick to my boundaries with him. He and I have a relationship now. It’s still hard but it’s manageable. My parents in their 80s. They are divorced, Dad remarried & mother did not. My mother is a boundary violator. She will not listen to nor accept my pain, my lived experiences as valid or traumatic. She has continued treating me as the scapegoat daughter who is crazy & angry. I went no contact this past fall. She cries to my siblings, especially my sisters. No one asks about my side of the story or will acknowledge my pain or truth. They just say she’s an old lady & they have no expectations that she will change. I do agree. However, people can decide to change and grow until they die. Her narcissism & borderline personality will not allow her to accept that she has & does inflict trauma on me. Until she does, there will be no relationship. I am grieving this reality. Thank goodness for my therapist, my husband, and others who love me!
THIS: “She will not listen to nor accept my pain, my lived experiences as valid or traumatic. She has continued treating me as the scapegoat daughter who is crazy & angry. I went no contact this past fall. She cries to my siblings, especially my sisters. No one asks about my side of the story or will acknowledge my pain or truth.” POWERFUL example of TRAUMATIC INVALIDATION! Thank you for this rich, full, and thoughtful comment, Lisa.
Rebecca, what is remarkable is how your words reflect the honesty and truth in what we have felt ourselves. More than a mirror that reflects , you are a window that brings light and clarity. As deep as your pain that pain now has become a purpose for healing. I cherish your words “ what was all once directed inward can now flow outward- connecting us to each other and fostering a sense of belonging. Still Standing.
I will cherish this comment, JB. It once seemed impossible that I could speak as my full self in an online setting, and still in shock a bit that I started this second, more personal Substack - but it was definitely time. Already lost a connection here on Substack because of it, which I'm still scratching my head over, but I have no plans to stop expressing the totality of my being just to make others feel more comfortable. Had enough of that in my family, in jobs, and elsewhere (!)
Your voice in this newfound freedom has wings. Although a loss of one, others celebrate your openness and the sharing of your personal truth. How powerful it is to let your life speak.It is the time when a voice is heard and pain witnessed that we can take flight in that freedom individually and also in unity to new beginnings.
Such power and beauty in your phrasing - I thank you yet again for your support and kindness, AND for embracing all that I offer here on Substack, including my 'true self' beyond personae. I must ask, are you a poet, JB?
Rebecca it is SO true that when you express your experiences you really help others find their voice! I don't understand why anyone would want to object to that!?
As FSA survivors we have been silenced long enough and learned to silence ourselves for too long. When I try to think of a small - or not so small - gain that is what comes to mind, that have finally decided I'm not staying silent or suppressing what I need to express anymore. Bravo and keep up the good work!
Hi FG, delighted to hear you're doing great ! Thank you for such a lovely comment, I could say exactly the same thing, Rebecca's work & this great community. Folk like you !
Rebecca, Your words are always so incredibly impactful and validating! Thank you so much for shining a much needed light into the dark and destructive corners of FSA. I had mostly kept silent before because FSA was thought to be unbelievable by those who had not experienced it.
This sentence .… “a closely guarded secret, a landscape I wandered alone in the dead of the night”…… hits hard as it was often in the dead of the night I laid awake in disbelief and kept racking my brain trying to figure out the ‘why’.
Much respect and gratitude for all your work and for the courage to speak of your own experiences and the validation it brings to others. 🎉
Ah, those midnight ruminations - I know (or at least once knew) them well. We are all in this journey of "healing what is (seemingly) 'split'" together; I'm also grateful I am no longer feeling alone in this journey as well.
I absolutely feel I can share my story. This is a one person job with outside help and this is my only outside help. But sometimes when I’m going through something hard I wish I had someone to talk me through it.
Feel free to DM me here and let me know you want paid community support in our Chat and I'll post something on your behalf via our Ask the Community feature over on my 'Healing the Scapegoat Wound' Substack.
Rebecca, as I’d hoped, no expected, such a beautifully flowing piece so perfectly resonating with every fiber of my being and recovery. Thank you. I feel such understanding of the impossible to comprehend FSA and the journey of emerging from it to develop into wholeness. I so look forward to your continued articles. ❤️
Thank you, Ki, it is comforting to have some of my longtime subscribers from my other substack over here, and I appreciate your being present for this aspect of my Substack offerings.
I feel this (clip below) part so profoundly at the moment that I will be cocooning for a long while.
I feel the block opening up and I'm ready to face the unorganized flow of grief for me and for the group. I'm ready for all our stories!
"It's as if the burden is lightened simply by being distributed and shared among the collective, and the immense energy stemming from invisible abuse and traumatic invalidation that was once directed inward can now flow outward, connecting us to each other and fostering a sense of belonging."
I have found sharing freely without inhibition specific facts and events and "the truth" of my FSA situation to be incredibly healing, even just since I started this publication. Sounds like you are indeed in an intensive process right now and going deep so glad to hear you will continue to cocoon.(!)
I have quietly set sail, my own story on the page. There is such release and pain in hitting the keys and creating a record, making it so. The vulnernability and reality collide. In part, I wanted to hide again. Stay safe behind the therapists cloak. To be palatable, to be thoughtful of the context of my story, in history, society and the readers awareness. It just reminded me how responsible I had always felt for getting it right, because the perceived consequence of getting judged was painful. The writing softly sits on my page, its not perfect, its not grammaticatally accurate but it does feel more true to me and not just in the act of service for others. So softly it emerges, and creates it's ripples effects.
Hi Miranda, this was a lovely, lilting, and profoundly moving comment to wake up to this morning. I’m thinking that perhaps we can form a memoir group at some point for clinicians. Just a thought. I can’t take that on right now but would love to help form something down the road. Looking forward to our collab!
Be who you are and share who you are however you want. Perhaps some will criticize but they don’t understand or they are reading it to find fault. You are not responsible for responses or comments. AND you have every right to curate the disrespectful. This l is your life and healing and YOUR words and emotions. As you are courageous in beginning to write do not allow that “old shame” or “responsibility for others’ abuses” (scapegoat) voice to enter. Thank you for your writing Miranda. I am lifted up here with Rebecca’s posts and your comment.
Thank you, I am learning to do this. I think there is a community that is building here, where it is safe to do so. Thanks for your kindness. I am glad I found a space here, to be, and not to perform.
Yes!!
I don't mean to keep praising you, as I frequently do :) but I have to because ... I think you're a genius! I mean that. You and your work are very rare and I'm graced to be able to interact and use your experiences to light my own way forward. Truly a gift. Thank you. And I love every wrinkle of what you are sharing.
I'm deeply moved that my reflections and FSA writings resonate so profoundly with you. Thank you for letting me know; it makes a difference, knowing my offerings are being so warmly received.
Well said songgirl7, me too !
Me tooooooo
Rebecca, boy oh boy can you flip a phrase, what talent you have for writing. While I can barely explain to people what FSA actually is you tell it so eloquently and precisely. What a gift. Again reading your words always brings me peace and validation. Again, thank you for being here with us.
Appreciate your kind words, Joanna - and I think you in return for being here with us as well!
Rebecca, this was a beautiful post and I am going to sit with it and read it a few more times. I had this thought earlier this week about us children who were abused and invalidated. I wondered if we are granted these glimpses of the unfathomable depths of being as a grace to help us carry on, knowing there is more for us than just the pain.
That is a beautiful way to think about it, Amanda - I wonder the same thing!
I’m sitting here, quietly weeping after reading this Rebecca. I am 61 & still walking through the jungle of memories & pain from my dysfunctional, emotionally abusive childhood. As the family scapegoat, I have been further abused by family members, especially my immediate family who suffered through life with me. They all have their roles & their own pain that I know still haunts them, whether they acknowledge this or not. I am working with a trauma informed therapist this time & she has been so validating and supportive as I walk through the memories, trauma & pain that have carried into the present. I have recently gone no contact with my mother. Several years ago I went to contact with my father for almost a year. He finally acknowledged & accepted responsibility for his actions & role as a dysfunctional father. I stick to my boundaries with him. He and I have a relationship now. It’s still hard but it’s manageable. My parents in their 80s. They are divorced, Dad remarried & mother did not. My mother is a boundary violator. She will not listen to nor accept my pain, my lived experiences as valid or traumatic. She has continued treating me as the scapegoat daughter who is crazy & angry. I went no contact this past fall. She cries to my siblings, especially my sisters. No one asks about my side of the story or will acknowledge my pain or truth. They just say she’s an old lady & they have no expectations that she will change. I do agree. However, people can decide to change and grow until they die. Her narcissism & borderline personality will not allow her to accept that she has & does inflict trauma on me. Until she does, there will be no relationship. I am grieving this reality. Thank goodness for my therapist, my husband, and others who love me!
THIS: “She will not listen to nor accept my pain, my lived experiences as valid or traumatic. She has continued treating me as the scapegoat daughter who is crazy & angry. I went no contact this past fall. She cries to my siblings, especially my sisters. No one asks about my side of the story or will acknowledge my pain or truth.” POWERFUL example of TRAUMATIC INVALIDATION! Thank you for this rich, full, and thoughtful comment, Lisa.
Rebecca, what is remarkable is how your words reflect the honesty and truth in what we have felt ourselves. More than a mirror that reflects , you are a window that brings light and clarity. As deep as your pain that pain now has become a purpose for healing. I cherish your words “ what was all once directed inward can now flow outward- connecting us to each other and fostering a sense of belonging. Still Standing.
Still here. “
I will cherish this comment, JB. It once seemed impossible that I could speak as my full self in an online setting, and still in shock a bit that I started this second, more personal Substack - but it was definitely time. Already lost a connection here on Substack because of it, which I'm still scratching my head over, but I have no plans to stop expressing the totality of my being just to make others feel more comfortable. Had enough of that in my family, in jobs, and elsewhere (!)
Your voice in this newfound freedom has wings. Although a loss of one, others celebrate your openness and the sharing of your personal truth. How powerful it is to let your life speak.It is the time when a voice is heard and pain witnessed that we can take flight in that freedom individually and also in unity to new beginnings.
Such power and beauty in your phrasing - I thank you yet again for your support and kindness, AND for embracing all that I offer here on Substack, including my 'true self' beyond personae. I must ask, are you a poet, JB?
Rebecca it is SO true that when you express your experiences you really help others find their voice! I don't understand why anyone would want to object to that!?
As FSA survivors we have been silenced long enough and learned to silence ourselves for too long. When I try to think of a small - or not so small - gain that is what comes to mind, that have finally decided I'm not staying silent or suppressing what I need to express anymore. Bravo and keep up the good work!
Well said JB, reading Rebecca's words I often find myself saying, yes, yes, that's how I feel.
Thank you , no just a grateful follower to the brilliant work and helpful guidance you provide. ❤️
We stand with you, Rebecca. Thank you for sharing with all of us 🙏
Thank you in return, Mardell!
You are one of the bravest people I know! More power to you. :)
XXOO
Oh my dear Rebecca, you've outdone yourself again. Thank you for sharing your journey! Your light is shining on me. Thank YOU!
Good to see you here, FG, and thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate it.
Hello Fierce Goat, hoping you're well.
Hi June! I'm actually doing great! Finally! What got me over the top is Rebecca's work and all the good people in her group. People like you!
Wonderful to hear this from you, FG, we miss you in Chat!
Hi FG, delighted to hear you're doing great ! Thank you for such a lovely comment, I could say exactly the same thing, Rebecca's work & this great community. Folk like you !
Love this 🙏🌿💓
Rebecca, Your words are always so incredibly impactful and validating! Thank you so much for shining a much needed light into the dark and destructive corners of FSA. I had mostly kept silent before because FSA was thought to be unbelievable by those who had not experienced it.
This sentence .… “a closely guarded secret, a landscape I wandered alone in the dead of the night”…… hits hard as it was often in the dead of the night I laid awake in disbelief and kept racking my brain trying to figure out the ‘why’.
Much respect and gratitude for all your work and for the courage to speak of your own experiences and the validation it brings to others. 🎉
Ah, those midnight ruminations - I know (or at least once knew) them well. We are all in this journey of "healing what is (seemingly) 'split'" together; I'm also grateful I am no longer feeling alone in this journey as well.
I absolutely feel I can share my story. This is a one person job with outside help and this is my only outside help. But sometimes when I’m going through something hard I wish I had someone to talk me through it.
Feel free to DM me here and let me know you want paid community support in our Chat and I'll post something on your behalf via our Ask the Community feature over on my 'Healing the Scapegoat Wound' Substack.
❤️💐🙏
Rebecca, as I’d hoped, no expected, such a beautifully flowing piece so perfectly resonating with every fiber of my being and recovery. Thank you. I feel such understanding of the impossible to comprehend FSA and the journey of emerging from it to develop into wholeness. I so look forward to your continued articles. ❤️
Thank you, Ki, it is comforting to have some of my longtime subscribers from my other substack over here, and I appreciate your being present for this aspect of my Substack offerings.
I feel this (clip below) part so profoundly at the moment that I will be cocooning for a long while.
I feel the block opening up and I'm ready to face the unorganized flow of grief for me and for the group. I'm ready for all our stories!
"It's as if the burden is lightened simply by being distributed and shared among the collective, and the immense energy stemming from invisible abuse and traumatic invalidation that was once directed inward can now flow outward, connecting us to each other and fostering a sense of belonging."
I have found sharing freely without inhibition specific facts and events and "the truth" of my FSA situation to be incredibly healing, even just since I started this publication. Sounds like you are indeed in an intensive process right now and going deep so glad to hear you will continue to cocoon.(!)
I’m speechless.